Activities That Are Almost Like Writing

I have been re-engaging with my book, slowly, like the reluctant half of a couple in therapy giving it one last try "for the kids".

Why am I reluctant? Possible answers include the ever-present and contradictory fear of success and fear of failure, a blurred self-image, and/or low self-esteem with a sprinkling of hereditary existential depression.

My beloved geek always tells me (in my paraphrased way) that putting yourself in a position where you might be able to make a choice doesn't necessarily mean you will have to make that choice. It just gives you options.

I am trying to hold onto that thought. I like options. If I finish the book, and I hate it, I can hide it under the bed in a locked box and move onto something else. I don't have to try to publish it. The difference between doing that and just abandoning the project now would be the knowledge that I am capable of finishing a project I have started.

Besides sketching, I have been painting. I wanted to really visualize what a key let's-call-it-an-accessory would look like. Since there is one per major character, there were 12 small paintings I completed yesterday. I am not a talented painter. My ovals look more like eyes, and highly stylized ones at that. However, my mother is still here, and she was my cheering squad. I felt 8 years old again, just like my little Mr. Smarty Pants, who, incidentally, had declined to join us and was watching the bizarre and cute movie Ponyo in my bedroom with the kittens. (Mr. Autism was occasionally painting and frequently watching the rain through the dining room windows.) The paintings do mostly reflect what I see in my mind, which I consider success. I was not overly sloppy, and I think in the end they look bright and interesting.

While painting, I kept returning to my notes. I was amazed anew by how utterly detailed they are. Everything is there. I didn't see anything I wanted to change. I had a lot of "Oh, that's right- I forgot!" moments.

The next step is to actually reread what I've written so far, and look at my notes at how I was going to finish it. It's all mapped out. It just needs to be created. This may be the hardest thing I've ever done. I pray it will be worth the effort and the anguish.